this facade i wear is too strong sometimes.
Growing up, I've always had a difficulty opening up to people. I didn't, and still don't, like to be vulnerable to the outside world.
It was so easy to keep people an arm's length away. I would give people just enough details about my life so people would feel like they were close to me, but it was actually all surface level. They might think that they're my best friend, but in actuality, we were friends at best.
I had struggled with GAD and depression on and off since I was 17, and yet, no one knew. To the outside world, I came off as this happy-go-lucky and bubbly person who had no insecurities or major issues.
I was always there for my friends when they struggled with things, and yet, I never opened up. I would be the supportive friend, and for some reason couldn't allow myself to let them in.
I suffered silently and kept everything in. I continued to keep things in for years until, everything I couldn't any longer.
I was struggling with a severe depression, and the cherry on top? The person at the time, who I thought was the love of my life, broke up with me, and my friendship with my best friend of 10 years had also ended. It was all too much. I couldn't keep things in. I would run to the bathroom because I couldn't stop from randomly breaking down. I couldn't eat, and whenever I did, I threw it up. I was a complete and utter mess.
Those around me definitely noticed that something was seriously wrong. They were worried. They were begging me to open up to them, and let them know what was going on with me. It wasn't easy, but I finally opened up. I was so worried about being judged, being a burden, or just plain rejected once people found out I wasn't this perfect person with no problems.
None of those things actually happened. I was fully accepted and loved by the 2-3 people I opened up to. The fear that those people were going to walk out of my life the moment they realize who I really was, left the moment they accepted me.
I had never felt so free in my life. Up until that moment I lived in fear with people finding out my "true self". The self that struggled with mental illness. Now those closest to me, know. They knew my deepest darkest secret. And they still liked me. Actually, they loved me.
I am forever grateful to those that have been with me through all the dark times.
I have much healthier ways of coping with the hard times in my life now, but that still doesn't mean that it's easy opening up to people. It's always easy to let your positives shine through, and try to cover up the negatives. Wear a mask to stop yourself from getting rejected and hurt.
If you're wearing a mask and someone rejects you, at least they aren't rejecting your true self. If you show them what's behind the mask and they reject you? They rejected you for you. There's no if's and's or but's about it.
It's not just letting someone in and letting them see your true self. It's also letting them know your true feelings. I'm currently back in the dating scene. Correction, I'm dating one person right now, and everything about the situation makes me anxious.
I love the whole getting to know you phase, I love finding out how their mind works, what we have in common, etc. What I don't like? The phases after that. It's not necessarily that I actually don't like them, but they're a lot more nerve wrecking. They make you vulnerable.
When I've liked people in the past, I thought it was so blatantly obvious that I liked them, that I would do everything in my power to seem as uninterested as possible. I would do the complete opposite of what a typical person "in like" would do. I didn't want them to know I liked them. Well, not until I knew that they were interested in me too. Even after I knew they liked me, I still didn't want them to know how much I liked them.
When things start to get real, I freak out and shut people out. I try so hard to protect myself, that I keep people out. It's something I've been working on. It's definitely not easy. The complete opposite actually. It makes me feel vulnerable and scares the shit out of me.
While keeping people out protects me from getting hurt, not allowing people in hurts me in it's own way. After 25 years, I like who I am. I'm not ashamed or afraid to show my true self. I'm starting to realize that I don't need the facade.
If people don't like who I am, then they're not meant to be in my life. I don't need to keep all my walls up and wear a mask in order to keep all the wrong people in my life. The right people will stay even after the mask comes off. It's taken me a little while to figure it out, but I think I'm on the right track.
I'm so glad that you were finally able to open up to people close to you. It ain't easy! If someone doesn't like you for you, they're missing out.
On a side note I was the same way about people I liked, I would try to act completely uninterested. Not sure why, It's nice to know that I'm not the only one!
While it's something that takes a while to sink in, I completely agree with you! "you can be the sweetest peach in the world, and there's still someone out there who doesn't like peaches"! That's been my mantra recently! Thanks for reading and commenting Cleia 🙂 x
That's a great Mantra. Hope you're having an amazing week!
you too 🙂 x
Oh Melina, i adore this post and can relate to it so, so much. I have such a hard time opening up, especially when it comes to my own mental health, too and I 200% relate to revealing just enough so people feel close, but they're actually still at arm's length. I so need to do better with that, you inspire me so, so much. thank you xx
While I'm sorry to hear that you can relate to this, I'm glad to know that I'm not alone, and neither are you! While opening up and being vulnerable is extremely difficult, I know we're both going to get there eventually. Thanks so much for reading and commenting 🙂 x
I can relate to this so much, especially right now. Thank you so much for sharing sweets! And for being so raw and vulnerable. You are not only a rockstar, but also helping people feel less long. SO much love to you! <3
Thank you so much. This comment means so so much to me. When I write these posts, I really hope that people can relate and feel less alone. I'm sorry to know that you're feeling this way, but know that you're not alone. If you ever need someone to talk to, I'm here xxx
Such an open and honest post! I hope you can build up your confidence! X
thank you so much, it's definitely not a linear thing, but I'm always trying to make progress! Thanks for reading and commenting 🙂 x
You are welcome x
I hope I will get your courage one day. For some reason, I've never managed to find the right time to do it.
Just take one step at a time, and you will definitely succeed in bettering yourself. There will definitely be some days that are easier or more difficult than others, but just never give up. I have faith that you will reach a point where you are your best version of yourself. Thank you so much for reading and commenting 🙂 x
I'm sending you a thousand hugs ((hugs)). I also struggle with trusting others because literally every friend I've ever had has used me or treated me like crap. It's hard when you can't find your circle that will except you unconditionally. Self care is something I want to concentrate on this year. These past two years have been the hardest of my life but I'm trying so hard to press on. I hope we both find a balance and healthy ways to cope <3
I can DEFINITELY relate to this wayy too much. You can ask anyone that's known me for a long time that i've been burned badly by both friendships and in romantic scenarios. I completely agree that it's extremely difficult to find your people, but once you do it's an amazing feeling. While I'm still on a journey to find my perfect partner, I have definitely surrounded myself by amazing, loving, and supportive friends. I'm so happy you want to concentrate on self-care, and I'm so for it! I have faith that we will both find balance and make 2020 an amazing year for us both xx
Thanks so much girlie!!! We'll find our partner and group of friends <3 I believe it!
I didn't open up to anyone for a long time. Heck I didn't even open up to myself. When I finally did though there was such a weight off my shoulders. Sometimes I still feel anxious talking about it, but in the long run it does help. xx
http://zoe-ware.com
I can completely relate to this, opening up is definitely not easy, but like you said, once you do you tend to feel so much better. Thanks so much for reading and telling me about your personal experience with this topic! xx
Thank you for sharing this about you & I can relate too. I was always there for my friends, but if I was the one who needed help, I would keep it to myself which wasn't good. Since then I have learned to open up to those close to me.
I'm so glad to hear that you've learned to open up to people! Thank you so much for reading and commenting karalee xxx
I use to wear a mask all the time. There is a comfort in knowing that a mask stops a person from actually rejecting you. It's like a shield which stops you from feeling anything too strong. My mask was to always act uninterested. I'd make sometimes rude sarcastic comments, I'd talk about my demands and not give in to anything too romantic like holding hands or cuddling. In summary, just everything to push a guy away, making up excuses they weren't good enough.
But as you mentioned, it hurts you in the long run. When you are yourself completely, you'll always know who really likes you for you and who actually supports you. Great post Melina xxx
I'm so glad to hear that you can relate to this and liked this post! Trust me girl, I completely relate to everything you mentioned. Thanks so much for such a thoughtful and personal comment laura xx
I totally relate to this, I can be so bad with keeping everything inside and not wanting to open up to people. It's always important to have those few people you can open up to. I'm glad you're on the right track xx
Hannah | luxuryblush
I'm so glad to hear that you can relate to this (well, I mean I wish you didn't relate to this, but I'm glad to know I'm not alone). Thanks so much for reading and commenting Hannah 🙂 xx